Burning in paradise

Category: essay

  • like who likes you

    as a teen and even as a young man, you chase women and people that you want or desire to have around you. you might like their physical attributes or the idea of having them in your life. you might even dream about having this person next to you because of what you’ve built them up to be in your mind but a lot of times you’re just chasing that, a dream. a figment of your imagination, and that person is nothing like you’ve built them up to be. and because you’re chasing something that isn’t real you allow yourself to get stepped on and become less of yourself to please them. i heard a pimp once stay like the one that likes you. because that person is with you because they have a genuine interest in being with you. they’ve looked at you and said i like this person so they accept you for who and what you are. there is no chasing, no games to be played. everything that’s done for each other is out of appreciate, love and care. with no hooks at the end of their actions trying to get something out of you. go where you are celebrated and no just tolerated, things will be much smoother and you’ll find that the love you develop for one another is natural.

  • blind faith

    i was listening to a grits and eggs podcast and they were speaking on faith stunting a person growth and it got me thinking. because at one time my faith was stunting my growth and i have seen people, like my father, faith limit and or restrict them because they can’t see beyond what the church has told them. i had to step away from the church because i was at alter crying every weekend.. because i’m being told by my parents that i’m a bad person, that if i don’t listen to them that i was going to be punished by god and ultimately go to hell. being a child and having no understanding of the world around you and not being able to question anything, your worldview become very small. you just start to do thing because that’s what you’ve been told to do, not understanding your own autonomy or having personal respect. you just follow what everyone around you is doing because thats what seems right.

    man once stepped away and educated myself, began to understand what and who i am, where my people come from. i was able to love myself and respect myself because my faith didn’t supersede everything. and looking back it made me angry that was forced into the church without guidance of the actual world. I don’t know my lineage, or my grandmother, i don’t have family stories to pass on to my children. all i have is guilt for trying to pursue the things that make me happy and a long list of things i have to unlearn to continue to grow into the person i want to be. unfortunately i have to step away from my father because the church supersedes the relationship he has with his children. for him there is no question the church. and reading anything other than the bible is a disservice to myself. it sucks for real but it’s a sad truth. and no one, no matter who they are is worth me staying ignorant. I’ve been ignorant, and i’m upset i was so ignorant for so long, if only i had the opportunities for critical thought, and the understanding on reason.

    a person has to be able to question and ask why. blind faith is not faith if you can think for yourself. anything reasonable and sound should be able to be questioned and not shun you for having any questions, big or small.

  • America has a problem with crossing the line. for years americans have used politics and religion to cross the line and then try and return to their day-to-day lives as if what the did was moral or right. and it’s been allowed, turned a blind eye to, permitted in some insistences. then when that same line is crossed to infringe on their rights they sympathy and understanding. they want revenge, they want to get even. it’s an eye for an eye on the land of free. some much so that it’s citizen are blind to their neighbors and community members. pushing others into isolation and hysteria because when you aren’t of anything, you have nothing to lose. instead of us americans coming together on issues that can benefits us as a country, health care, standards of living, minimum wage, we fight at the sight of our perceive like rival gang member. fighting and killing each other for a cause long forgotten and a moment of prideful ignorance because we justified in what were doing, because the other side is wrong. but ain’t nobody bigger than the program, if you cross the line, someone else is going to cross the line to get even. if you kill mines, best believe i’m going to kill yours. is the American way. it’s in our leaders, it’s in our institutions, our news, our school, our people, our children. if a kids at the playground right now gets pushed, they’re going to push back. as a country we can’t play the moral high ground, go to church, and indulge in disorder all in the same day. either let it all go to shit, as we go an eye for an eye to the end or lets stop the lies.

  • the increased military presence in D.C. isn’t going to change the city in the long term. America loves taking a military approach with everything as our military has been one of our best assets but all that does it make things happen with force. and forcing Americans to do anything usually results in a large amount of push back. i don’t think you change a cities culture by having more agents and officers making more arrest. that’s just going to cause a larger distrust between citizens and law enforcement. targeting high volume areas where young adults go out to drink and have a good time, doesn’t make me feel safe, it makes me not to avoid d.c. all together. and agents targeting lower income communities where law enforcer knows that they don’t have the public trust in these areas seems more predatory than anything else.
    to “fix” the crime problems of d.c. you have to create opportunities for people to make money and have self-worth and have love for the communities that they are in and apart of. like a lot of us cities, the cost of living is beyond what the average American can afford, and rather than fall behind people are going to start taking risk to make up for the differences.
    mobilizing military and government offices on everyday people is only going to cause descent

  • what has been stuck on your mind recently?

    I’ve been struggling with the idea of love in my life. whether i should focus on myself or whether let anyone into this chaotic minefield of life? part of me says that it isn’t fair to bring someone into my shit but the other half ask if i’m not deserving of love. and either way i hack it i can’t talk myself into believing one side more than the other. i do have a responsibility to deal with my issues and not pass them on to my future children, or dump them on my friends and family. Everyone has something going on and me yapping about my problems isn’t going to help theirs. i mean that’s what i thought friends were for, to talk out your issues but it’s been made clear to me that my issues need professional attention. which i partly agree with but that requires resources i don’t have or resources that would be better suited else where. i don’t know I’ve also never been good at spending money on myself, another issue of mine.

    but with that being said i’m somewhat of a hopeless romantic. love is what I’ve wanted, since i was a child. watching stupid rom-coms and fucking Disney movies you can only hope that one day you’ll live happily ever after. that you’ll drive off into the sunset with the love of your life. fuck i hate the way that sounds when i say it out loud but it’s my sad reality. i want someone to share memories with and someone to tell me is going to be okay when it’s not. Someone to die for someone to fight for. someone’s hand to hold through it all.

    but that shit doesn’t exist, at least not for people like me.

    see my mind is sick and it has been for quite some time now. i thought i could get through to the other side. that all i had to do is just white knuckle it till a better day, to a better place but it’s getting worst. I’ve always been a bit on edge but this is probably the closest I’ve been to the edge. i think part of it just the situation i am in. sure my past has a lot to do with what i am today but if i can just get away from all this. maybe it’ll be a step in the right direction.

    with all that i suppose to just welcome someone with open arms and what, give them a trigger warning? like hey i have a few screws loose. that’s not fair. i’m playing with load dices. and i can’t ask someone to love that. So i guess i go at it alone til.. i don’t know.. how much longer i have here. it’s a fucked situation i’m tired of being alone but simultaneously i understand why i am or why i should be. its just it a long dark road i walk everyday and every night on the way to own personal hell. and before it’s all said and done i just want to have matter to someone, you know? leave in impact and a story to be told and passed down if even for a generation.

    this has been months of going back and forth, back and forth… i really don’t what to do…

  • Tyler sat down in london for an interview/panel discussion hosted by converse a few days ago. Tyler is a huge influence on me and was a huge influence for me to do my own thing no matter what other people think. From time to time i still need to be reminded. so when he drops an interview, i always make an effort to put my phone down and pay attention for a bit. today I thought maybe i’d be a good idea to take notes on what stands out to me so that i can better grasp and digest the ideas he sharing with us.

    1. if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it
    2. keep creating, and explore random ideas
    3. your passions and your creations are your resume
    4. if you like it, run with it. If people don’t understand it, it doesnt mean you’re wrong
    5. you have the internet, use it
    6. use what you have around you, you don’t need the best
    7. have honest people around you, not yes men

    1. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it

    Tyler and the Clancys have been together since the very beginning. they signed tyler when bastard was taking over the internet and through out the years they’ve built and maintain a great relationship that allow tyler to flourish as an artist. they all have respect for each other and allow each other to play their role. the Clancys find ways to take tyler delusional ideas and package it for public consumption. they know how to differentiate between tyler’s storm of ideas and support the ones that he seem most passionate about. at anytime tyler could of found new manage and tried something new but he stuck with the guys that believed in him from the very beginning and that type of loyalty is hard to come by nowadays

    2. keep creating, and explore random ideas

    tyler has a lot of ideas, i mean a fuck ton of ideas. and the well never seems to run dry for him. but it’s because he explores ideas even if they don’t pan out to anything. he doesn’t go, “no stupid, i shouldn’t do that,” but rather goes, “this could be cool i wonder what will happen if i look into this.” i think that most of us creative may kill an idea in our mind before we even write it down, i know i’m guilty of it, and all that does it bring self-doubt. explore shit even if it may seem like a distraction for the moment, you might come back to it down the line.

    3. your passions and your creations are your resume

    tyler talked about how converse has so much trust in him and the things he makes. partly cause he can go back as far as 2011 and say these are my ideas and they’ve worked time and time again. he had success prior to partnering with converse and leverages that when he sit down with them to make new and creative ideas that executive may not understand. you have to bet on yourself before you expect others to bet on you.

    4. if you like it, run with it. If people don’t understand it, it doesnt mean you’re wrong

    this one kind of touches back on number 3. you have to like your ideas first. you have to be your first supporter. remember it you selling this idea at the end of the day so if you don’t believe in it, how can you expect others to do the same? think of something you like and follow through with it. just that experience alone with help you in building confidence for the next one.

    5. you have the internet, use it

    the internet is a powerful tool, but nowadays it’s just used to masterbait and waste time. you’re connected to everyone and just about everything if you know what you’re looking for. if you don’t know how to do, look it up on youtube or google it. I’ve even hear of people getting free course from harvard because they just have the information on the school website. the world is literally in your hands

    6. use what you have around you, you don’t need the best

    today must of us have a phone that can do just about anything you need it do. it can take pictures, record videos, record instruments and vocals. it has calendars, alarms, and connection to the internet. start with something simple and build your way up. I’ve definitely have talk myself out of some great ideas because i was worry about equipment quality and ended up killing an idea before i even explore it. and you don’t have to it all yourself. i’m sure that there’s people out there looking to explore these ideas with you. like a child with a sharpie and a white wall, get back to the basics and just create with what you have.

    7. have honest people around you, not yes men

    last but not least you got have people around you that are going to give it to you straight. that doesn’t mean that they have to shit on you or your ideas but someone that can tether you to reality if you ever drift off too far into creativity. it’s a delicate balance but when you find someone that can do that keep ’em around. some of us just have people that are killing our ideas as soon as the idea is vocalized. PROTECT YOUR IDEAS. work your ideas before even hinting that your working on something new. unfortunately dream killers love to shit on anything and everything because they can’t see themselves succeed so they don’t believe anyone around them.

    but you also don’t want someone that just gasses you up to the moon every time you tie your shoes. these people are great when you’re having a bad day and you need someone to remind you who you are and what you’ve done but if they just want to see you happy they may not tell you want you need to hear all the time.

  • i use to think that killing was a bad thing, at least that was the way i was programmed or raised to believe. but i don’t think that it is as simple as good and bad. and i don’t think that killing is inherently evil. i believe that some people are too quick because they’re immature and/or lazy. and America as a whole has that apart of our ethic. the whole “shoot first ask, questions later” approach has brought forth a lot of unnecessary death. i understand if it’s a life or death situation, if your a soldier or you back is against the wall but it seems cowards will have the advantage and claim they were in fear for their life just so that the courts will justify their cowardice as valor.

    i can respect a man that is slow to kill and understands the weight behind of pulling a trigger. a man that is tough without a gun, a man that will toss his gun to the side and fight with his hands.

    but then there’s the other side. the guys that bought a gun and are looking for a reason. guys that wouldn’t kill with their hands. an ignorant man driven by fear and pride. a guy that’s never thrown a punch. guys that are male but not men. these people deserve hell and slow death. they belong with the abusers, the rapist, the ones that claim to be men and take from the weak and poor.

    i don’t believe that everyone is built to face the death of another person. some of us need to be protected and contribute to community and society in different manners. but i think it’s important to know where you stand, can you protect yourself? could you kill someone if you had to and can you live with your decision to justifiability take another man life? and when i say justifiability i don’t mean the legal system saying it’s okay. i mean can you sit with that weight on your soul? if god takes you today, can you answer for your actions?

    that’s the man, the father, the brother, the protector i work towards being. that’s a true killer. and i pray that you can either be that or have someone that can be that for you. because very few men are as honorable as they claim to be.

  • Vince Staples and Nihilism

    KAZMALOOP has interesting perspective on Vince Staples

    “Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you.”

    This nihilist perspective has caught my interest, as I find myself somewhere between nihilism and pessimism. Everything around feels superficial or performative. No one wants to be honest while simultaneously no one can be. To truly be vulnerable is to show weakness, and if both our backs are against the wall the majority of people will exploit your weakness if it means they can be a step above you. No matter the relationship with the person. All relationships are power dynamics with an ever-shifting scale.

    So what do you do when you think you have to be the toughest in the room if it means you’ll be at peace? You come into every room prepared for war, with a layer of armor so thick that not even you yourself can remove it. Ready to destroy anyone if they challenge or cross the line with you. Look at our music, look at our movies. Every character is a balancing act trying to appear sane amongst the insanity of the reality we participate in daily. No different from the people watching to escape their own reality.

    There’s a cost to be free, it was I think Nietzsche is getting at. You can’t stare into the abyss and believe what you see as normal. The only way out is to know the abyss, without losing your sanity. To live in this duality, where what you know you are doing is wrong but it’s your means of survival. To be wrong and be alive at the cost of your sanity long enough to find peace.