Burning in paradise

Tag: blog

  • i don’t care if you don’t like me, the world doesn’t like me. and when you have nothing to lose.. you have everything to gain.

    I’ve endure a pain that was unnecessary and unfair but that’s the way of the world. what i am going to do about it? complain. yeah, a little bit because were all human and flawed and even a warriors shield has cracks in it after battle. but what makes man great is that we push through. even when there’s no chance for survival. a lesson i wish i would’ve of learned a long time ago. you don’t let the pain consume you and take the reins. you stare it in the mirror, down your beer and get back to work ’til you fail again and again and again. ’til your knees are weak and you back is sore. that’s what separates the greats from the ordinary, from cowboys from the cow pokes. “Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.” -William Shakespeare

    And the only thing in the way of greatness is me. I’ve always said if I could get out of my own way.. I’d be great but I wasn’t that I was in my own way it was that I didn’t know. I didn’t have the information I didn’t know what more to give given the limitation that were given to me. I bare the weight of the world on these shoulders and the weight of society in my mind. The only choice I have is to be great because for some reason I was chosen.. and these blessing have been bestowed upon me. So the question isn’t why me? But why not? 

    Greatness can be given but respect must earn. Hard work and hard times are just apart of any man’s story. And the only thing promised is death. a warrior’s dreams and a warrior’s nightmare.

  • what has been stuck on your mind recently?

    I’ve been struggling with the idea of love in my life. whether i should focus on myself or whether let anyone into this chaotic minefield of life? part of me says that it isn’t fair to bring someone into my shit but the other half ask if i’m not deserving of love. and either way i hack it i can’t talk myself into believing one side more than the other. i do have a responsibility to deal with my issues and not pass them on to my future children, or dump them on my friends and family. Everyone has something going on and me yapping about my problems isn’t going to help theirs. i mean that’s what i thought friends were for, to talk out your issues but it’s been made clear to me that my issues need professional attention. which i partly agree with but that requires resources i don’t have or resources that would be better suited else where. i don’t know I’ve also never been good at spending money on myself, another issue of mine.

    but with that being said i’m somewhat of a hopeless romantic. love is what I’ve wanted, since i was a child. watching stupid rom-coms and fucking Disney movies you can only hope that one day you’ll live happily ever after. that you’ll drive off into the sunset with the love of your life. fuck i hate the way that sounds when i say it out loud but it’s my sad reality. i want someone to share memories with and someone to tell me is going to be okay when it’s not. Someone to die for someone to fight for. someone’s hand to hold through it all.

    but that shit doesn’t exist, at least not for people like me.

    see my mind is sick and it has been for quite some time now. i thought i could get through to the other side. that all i had to do is just white knuckle it till a better day, to a better place but it’s getting worst. I’ve always been a bit on edge but this is probably the closest I’ve been to the edge. i think part of it just the situation i am in. sure my past has a lot to do with what i am today but if i can just get away from all this. maybe it’ll be a step in the right direction.

    with all that i suppose to just welcome someone with open arms and what, give them a trigger warning? like hey i have a few screws loose. that’s not fair. i’m playing with load dices. and i can’t ask someone to love that. So i guess i go at it alone til.. i don’t know.. how much longer i have here. it’s a fucked situation i’m tired of being alone but simultaneously i understand why i am or why i should be. its just it a long dark road i walk everyday and every night on the way to own personal hell. and before it’s all said and done i just want to have matter to someone, you know? leave in impact and a story to be told and passed down if even for a generation.

    this has been months of going back and forth, back and forth… i really don’t what to do…