Burning in paradise

Tag: love

  • Love

    I grew up thinking that 

    Love would be enough. Because

    I didn’t have love and I thought that’s all I needed. at home. 

    love like in the movies, father and son playing catch

    Or the geek getting the cheerleader

    the best friend that would help hide the bodies

    But I didn’t know how the world worked. 

    I didn’t know about the crooked cops

    The soulless politicians, the pimp and preacher, the whore with the beautiful smile, the NRA, the panthers, Joe Pesci, bourdain. 

    I thought it was all black and white

    And in some ways it still is. But love

    Can only get you so far. 

    You need pain and frustration, for a better fuck

    Tears to truly enjoy joy

    Humor for survival, to laugh throw the tears

    Love… love is the sci-fantasy with shitty ending and bad accountant that blew the budget

    Love is bad shroom trip in a public place

    Love is taking a shit and realizing you don’t have toilet paper 

  • like who likes you

    as a teen and even as a young man, you chase women and people that you want or desire to have around you. you might like their physical attributes or the idea of having them in your life. you might even dream about having this person next to you because of what you’ve built them up to be in your mind but a lot of times you’re just chasing that, a dream. a figment of your imagination, and that person is nothing like you’ve built them up to be. and because you’re chasing something that isn’t real you allow yourself to get stepped on and become less of yourself to please them. i heard a pimp once stay like the one that likes you. because that person is with you because they have a genuine interest in being with you. they’ve looked at you and said i like this person so they accept you for who and what you are. there is no chasing, no games to be played. everything that’s done for each other is out of appreciate, love and care. with no hooks at the end of their actions trying to get something out of you. go where you are celebrated and no just tolerated, things will be much smoother and you’ll find that the love you develop for one another is natural.

  • what has been stuck on your mind recently?

    I’ve been struggling with the idea of love in my life. whether i should focus on myself or whether let anyone into this chaotic minefield of life? part of me says that it isn’t fair to bring someone into my shit but the other half ask if i’m not deserving of love. and either way i hack it i can’t talk myself into believing one side more than the other. i do have a responsibility to deal with my issues and not pass them on to my future children, or dump them on my friends and family. Everyone has something going on and me yapping about my problems isn’t going to help theirs. i mean that’s what i thought friends were for, to talk out your issues but it’s been made clear to me that my issues need professional attention. which i partly agree with but that requires resources i don’t have or resources that would be better suited else where. i don’t know I’ve also never been good at spending money on myself, another issue of mine.

    but with that being said i’m somewhat of a hopeless romantic. love is what I’ve wanted, since i was a child. watching stupid rom-coms and fucking Disney movies you can only hope that one day you’ll live happily ever after. that you’ll drive off into the sunset with the love of your life. fuck i hate the way that sounds when i say it out loud but it’s my sad reality. i want someone to share memories with and someone to tell me is going to be okay when it’s not. Someone to die for someone to fight for. someone’s hand to hold through it all.

    but that shit doesn’t exist, at least not for people like me.

    see my mind is sick and it has been for quite some time now. i thought i could get through to the other side. that all i had to do is just white knuckle it till a better day, to a better place but it’s getting worst. I’ve always been a bit on edge but this is probably the closest I’ve been to the edge. i think part of it just the situation i am in. sure my past has a lot to do with what i am today but if i can just get away from all this. maybe it’ll be a step in the right direction.

    with all that i suppose to just welcome someone with open arms and what, give them a trigger warning? like hey i have a few screws loose. that’s not fair. i’m playing with load dices. and i can’t ask someone to love that. So i guess i go at it alone til.. i don’t know.. how much longer i have here. it’s a fucked situation i’m tired of being alone but simultaneously i understand why i am or why i should be. its just it a long dark road i walk everyday and every night on the way to own personal hell. and before it’s all said and done i just want to have matter to someone, you know? leave in impact and a story to be told and passed down if even for a generation.

    this has been months of going back and forth, back and forth… i really don’t what to do…

  • i use to think that killing was a bad thing, at least that was the way i was programmed or raised to believe. but i don’t think that it is as simple as good and bad. and i don’t think that killing is inherently evil. i believe that some people are too quick because they’re immature and/or lazy. and America as a whole has that apart of our ethic. the whole “shoot first ask, questions later” approach has brought forth a lot of unnecessary death. i understand if it’s a life or death situation, if your a soldier or you back is against the wall but it seems cowards will have the advantage and claim they were in fear for their life just so that the courts will justify their cowardice as valor.

    i can respect a man that is slow to kill and understands the weight behind of pulling a trigger. a man that is tough without a gun, a man that will toss his gun to the side and fight with his hands.

    but then there’s the other side. the guys that bought a gun and are looking for a reason. guys that wouldn’t kill with their hands. an ignorant man driven by fear and pride. a guy that’s never thrown a punch. guys that are male but not men. these people deserve hell and slow death. they belong with the abusers, the rapist, the ones that claim to be men and take from the weak and poor.

    i don’t believe that everyone is built to face the death of another person. some of us need to be protected and contribute to community and society in different manners. but i think it’s important to know where you stand, can you protect yourself? could you kill someone if you had to and can you live with your decision to justifiability take another man life? and when i say justifiability i don’t mean the legal system saying it’s okay. i mean can you sit with that weight on your soul? if god takes you today, can you answer for your actions?

    that’s the man, the father, the brother, the protector i work towards being. that’s a true killer. and i pray that you can either be that or have someone that can be that for you. because very few men are as honorable as they claim to be.