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tracklist
that way ft. Jeremih & rick ross by wale
next to you by Erykah badu, the alchemist
little things you do by double
same ol mistake by rihanna
not fair by leon Thomas
party favors by leon Thomas
summertimes in that cutlass by nipsey hussle
when i come around by dom kennedy
chill baby by sza
special by sza
you ft. lil wayne by Lloyd
fun! by vince staple
life is beautiful by larry June, 2 chainz, the alchemist
Spider-Man superman by partynextdoor, drake
smuckers ft. lil wayne, kanye west ft. tyler the creator
lagrimes by bilin gang, boobassking, dahian el apechao
chambonea – live version by omega
Agosto by bad bunny
callaita by bad bunny, tainy
pero tu by karol g
el jefe by Anthony santos -
Darkness has always been my friend. You’ve comforted me through many nights of tears. Youve extended the days where joy was feeling and not a distant memory. I look forward to stars looking down on me with pity and when moon teases me with her curves. I can’t help but stare until morning.
When I drive home from the bar, I stop by the airport to share a cigarette with you while the world sleeps. You never say much but I’ve never much of a talker myself.
I cant sleep if it’s me you and stranger in my bed.
Remember when I cried on Christmas night listening to Coltrane? The streets were glowing green and red from the stoplight. I thought, “what am I doing out here?” I thought of everyone at home with their families sleeping. And yet I felt empty in mine. So drove another hour looking for love.
You lived inside of me since.. since the beginning when I would get lashes for not knowing how to read, and father had a bad day at work.
Since I decided I’d go out in blaze of glory if the pain never stopped.
Since painkillers and marijuana found a place on my shelf when you were more than I could handle.
I’ve somehow found meaning in you. That life is suffering. And darkness maybe the only twilight through it all. When the world stops and the phone dies and television turns off. You hold me close like a mother wolf.
My eyes dilate when you come around every night to put me to bed. My heart calms to know you’re only a few moments away. The last thing I see, the last thing I’ll see. I’ve enjoyed our time together and another night is more than enough for me.
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Watching America lost its way as billionaire and corporations buyout your local politicians, I think about how far we’ve fallen as a country. Not that we’re great to begin with morally but there was a sense that, given a fair shot you could make something of yourself. That there was a mist of honor that hovered over the grass in the morning. But it feels like words like honor and righteous have long fallen from the American vocabulary.
A few weeks ago I came across an old Joe Rogan clip from when he sat down with comedian Ali Siddiq, where Ali explains how a fight between two pimp taught him a value lesson in honor that’s stay with his life.
Honor use to be something I would hear in old kung fu or samurai movies but never truly understood what these righteous characters were talking about. I got the sense that the villains didn’t have respect or over stepped their power to bully people. That because they were able to bully the weak they would for nothing more than selfish reasons.
Today like the old kung fu movies we have the exact same plot on the political stage and everyone’s waiting for the golden boy to come and save us.
I’m not I’m going to wait around for someone to save me, I rather become what I want to see. I righteous man with honor and self respect for me and others.
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over the weekend as i was surfing the web, i came across a still image with a quote at the bottom. i read the quote and for whatever reason, the quote stuck a chord in me. i looked a little deeper and found that the image was actually a screen grab for a movie called, mio on the shore. thats usually enough for me to check out a strange movie.
so i found it online and watched it over two days.
the main character is 20 year old mio, who is super reserve and rarely speaks. super timid, even if she’s in the midst of a conversation it just head nods and innocence gazes. seemingly when the movie starts mio hasn’t really found her way in the world. she still lives at home under the guidance of her grandmother.
i got the feeling that her family was very understanding of mio and her timidness. they just accept her for who she it. anywhere else in the world they may have got to a doctor and say, “something wrong with my daughter.” even while watching a question if there was something wrong with mio, thank you western medicine. in this world is people who don’t fit into a certain set of parameters are sent to the doctor to be “fixed”. but beautifully for mio she just allowed to be her.
it touched me to find a character than can unapologetically themselves and not be a huge personally like clint eastwood or Samuel l. Jackson. and no one’s trying to change her, her friends aren’t trying to make her more out going, her sister at one point just sit with her in silence as the stare off into the distance. there was a huge sense of patience for mio, she given a lot of grace and time to figure herself and find her words. as i watch i almost envied her a bit. even if she was silent no one imposed on her.
in my experience being quiet and timid can be enough to get bullied or taken advantage of. it seen as a weakness where i’m from. family member would find it rude if i didn’t speak to them, friends may take it as you’re trying to act high and mighty, like you’re too good for them. its really quite an odd phenomena when you think about it. people don’t know what to make of your silence and the easiest thing to do is thing negative of nothing.
as the movie goes on she leaves town and start to branch out a bit, she encounter so really good people. strangers and neighbors that you would want to live next to in real life. these strangers, later friends, open mio’s world and exposing her to what community can be with the right people as she help run a bath house.nothing wild and adventurous happens, there is no shoot out or revenge plot. i don’t really think there is a plot. but its great movie to watch about a young lady trying to blossom.
to watch click here: https://geo.dailymotion.com/player.html?video=x8hpf6k
oh i almost forgot, i took some screenshots of scene i thought were cool and looked good.
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tracklist
all alone by domo genesis
lobster omelette ft. rick ross by Freddie gibbs
broken ft. scarface by Freddie gibbs
growing pains by Ludacris
shades ft. chrisette Michele
still feel me by jadakiss
picture me rollin’ by nipsey hussle
double up ft. belly and dom kennedy
pieces of me by rare essense, ms kim
something’s missing by john mayer
I guess i just feel like by john mayer
genesis by morgan wallen
seigfried by frank ocean
victim of love by Charles Bradley
nothin’ left by morgan wallen -
I’ve been struggling with the idea of love in my life. whether i should focus on myself or whether let anyone into this chaotic minefield of life? part of me says that it isn’t fair to bring someone into my shit but the other half ask if i’m not deserving of love. and either way i hack it i can’t talk myself into believing one side more than the other. i do have a responsibility to deal with my issues and not pass them on to my future children, or dump them on my friends and family. Everyone has something going on and me yapping about my problems isn’t going to help theirs. i mean that’s what i thought friends were for, to talk out your issues but it’s been made clear to me that my issues need professional attention. which i partly agree with but that requires resources i don’t have or resources that would be better suited else where. i don’t know I’ve also never been good at spending money on myself, another issue of mine.
but with that being said i’m somewhat of a hopeless romantic. love is what I’ve wanted, since i was a child. watching stupid rom-coms and fucking Disney movies you can only hope that one day you’ll live happily ever after. that you’ll drive off into the sunset with the love of your life. fuck i hate the way that sounds when i say it out loud but it’s my sad reality. i want someone to share memories with and someone to tell me is going to be okay when it’s not. Someone to die for someone to fight for. someone’s hand to hold through it all.
but that shit doesn’t exist, at least not for people like me.
see my mind is sick and it has been for quite some time now. i thought i could get through to the other side. that all i had to do is just white knuckle it till a better day, to a better place but it’s getting worst. I’ve always been a bit on edge but this is probably the closest I’ve been to the edge. i think part of it just the situation i am in. sure my past has a lot to do with what i am today but if i can just get away from all this. maybe it’ll be a step in the right direction.
with all that i suppose to just welcome someone with open arms and what, give them a trigger warning? like hey i have a few screws loose. that’s not fair. i’m playing with load dices. and i can’t ask someone to love that. So i guess i go at it alone til.. i don’t know.. how much longer i have here. it’s a fucked situation i’m tired of being alone but simultaneously i understand why i am or why i should be. its just it a long dark road i walk everyday and every night on the way to own personal hell. and before it’s all said and done i just want to have matter to someone, you know? leave in impact and a story to be told and passed down if even for a generation.
this has been months of going back and forth, back and forth… i really don’t what to do…
Burning in paradise 