I found an old letter that I wrote to myself around 2018-2019. Questioning.. trying to make sense of my mental landscape titled “Northstar”.

“It’s been a few years since I stopped practicing my faith and since then I’ve been wandering around searching for a north star. Somewhere to plan my flag, a foundation to push off on. I’ve left religion for philosophy, reading the Bushido Code, Huey P. Newton, watching video essays on Carl Jung, and nothing feels quite right. But I think I’m closer today than I was ten years ago. Or maybe I’ve been building my own philosophy, my own code. Every man needs a code. A set of rules that they abide by out of internal conviction rather than external obligation. 

That’s what religion brought me. An unquestionable way of life that can’t be challenged, or at least that is the way it was presented to me. Everyone tries to live a certain way, following the rules of the bible.

What I found in reality was no one was living the lifestyle. Though everyone was trying, when emotions ran high, the real person bled through. The person they were trying to leave behind, the person their religion told them was no good, was still there under their Sundays best. The person never changed, they were just repressed. Push down under as far as he could go. But eventually they came up for air. 

I don’t think that religion or church, doesn’t address a man’s soul. It leaves everything to imagine and metaphor, open to interpretation. Their examples don’t always translate to the individual but rather sets a standard of what it’s expected. It draws a finish line with no map and no contexts. 

Man is meant to be tested and come to his own conclusions after conscious contemplation and reflection. How else can he know his limits and his capabilities? He doesn’t want to find his limitation when it’s life and death. A moment that challenges his entire being doesn’t want to be a split moment decision like in the movies. That means making mistakes, having regrets, not trying to imitate a “god-like” man. Originally and self-experience.

But then I start to question, how does a child find the basics, morals, valves, right and wrong? Is it the duty to the parents or society, community or history? And even then these things are sliding scales. Some parents lie to their kids to preserve their innocence. They say the Easter bunnies and Santa Claus, tooth fairies and what not. Killing a human can be viewed as honorable if it’s done for your country. The best option is to lead by example.”

-Jonathan Figaro